SIckness

Having a disease that no one really knows about is really hard. The people who are closest to me in my life know what is really going on but others only see what they want to see. They see the pretty image that I have created for my book, my life.  I really never let anyone get to deep into my book just those that I think are worthy.  I pick and choose who I really want to know because it is a lot of explaining to do and I do not want to waste what little time I have left.  I write on this blog that no one will probably read because I do not want to burden anyone about my worries.  I try always to put on a pretty smile and to make those around me laugh. What is the sense of making other people miserable, I just choose to suffer alone.
This disease that I have called DISH has caused all kind of other problems in my body. The one I think that really bothers me the most is my bladder. It stopped working about 10 years ago. Which really sucks because who wants to smell someone reaking of urine.  I was getting treatments for it but then I fell down twice and I hurt myself.  I ended up going to the hospital where i contracted C-diff and now I have lost my voice due to some other illness.   I always wonder why my husband is still with me. He is not perfect but I think he is pretty close to perfection. I often feel like I do not deserve him and that maybe he should divorce me and find someone else.  even if that did happen I do not think that any other women could love him the way I do. I love him with eveything that I am.  My husband has stood by my side through all of my operations, which have been to many.  He takes care of me when I am sick and always makes me feel loved. I do not think that I could have gone thru what I have without him. I know that I am a very strong women, I have proved this to myself many many times over the last 37 years, but he makes me want to heal faster and to just be a better person.  My children play a big part in my road to recoveries every time.They have really only know a sick mom. Not a whole healthy mom. I do not think that it is a bad think because it has made them kind, caring and compassionate.  It has shown them how to sacrifice with out being selfish and that even on the rockbottom /bedrock days things will get brighter. I think it has taught them mind over matter.