Dear Dad,

Dear Dad,
  Yesterday at 6:08 p.m. I sat with your father, my grandfather and held his hand while he passed on to another life. I am pretty honored to have been there with him and your sister , my aunt when passed on peacefully.  After you left all kinds of thought went running through my head.  It's been along time dad. Not really sure why we do not talk and why you do not know the strong daughter you have or the incredible grandchildren.  I get it raising kids is so hard. Probably the hardest thing that any person will ever do. The greatest accomplishment in life.  Things do not always go as planned , we make mistakes, we fuck up. That is why there is this thing called forgiveness and second chances. I do not and will never regret anything that has happened in my life. It has made me the women that I have become today and I am pretty fucking proud of her. You might want to know what makes up this women, how did she become the person she is? Well I had a great set of parents when I was younger. You guys were so not perfect but relationship and child manuals have yet to be made, so you struggle along.  Dad, if nothing else, if you never read this I just want you to know that I remember everything you ever taught me. The love for nature, your passion for sports, hardworking ethic, never to give up just keep on trucking.  I think of when you first taught me how to play baseball, I use to break dance in the outfield. I couldn't even hit the ball off the tee.  I can still here you yelling at me to pay attention , hands on your knees.   Did you know that if I had stayed in high school I would have had a full ride to college for softball.  I pitched the fasted, threw the hardest and hit the longest. All because of you dad.   I remember following you in the woods, like a little minion. Learning every tree, every leave, all the nuts. What to eat and what was poisonous . How to make a shelter out of nature and keep it rain tight. Teaching me how to track, stay down wind of your prey.  Because of you teaching me how not to get lost in the woods , I have never been lost in life. I can always find my way back to the path.  I know that things were tough when your daughters started growing up. I know that you secretly  wished we were boys and I am sorry we are not.   I can completely understand how and why my parents got divorced.  Relationships are hard work, you need lots of communication. people need to be a united front when raising children. You learn from ones parents, they were your example. Your parents fucked up too. Each generation has to break the cycle ,take the good from their elders and add their own.   My sisters and I were just kids, we looked to you for guidance and understanding. It was not our fault that mom and you did not make it. One makes their own decisions decides ones own fate.   For along time I blamed myself for your problems and your faults. I had to justify why all of the sudden I was your little minion and then when things got tough you guys just gave up.  I do not blame myself anymore for I was just a child.  I forgave you both a long time ago. I gave up my anger and hatred.  Do you know that it has been over 20 years since I have had my dad in my life. That is a long time but it is never too late.   I wish I knew why you don't love me anymore , deep inside I am still your little girl.  It was so hard to see you and not know what went wrong. Why you talk to my younger sisters but not me.  I have no clue how to fix it. I have reached out several times and never had anything back.   I can't reach out anymore, I am tired and have an illness that is just tearing me up inside. I have to focus my attention on my family because who knows how long I am destined for this earth.  If nothing else Dad, if we never have a relationship again I want you to know how much I love you.  I remember everything.

With all my love,
Daughter.