To my son.

Dear Jay,

There is so much I want to say, I am not even sure where to start.I believe  from the beginning is always good place. I can still remember the first time I met you, 6 years old with a big incredible smile.  I was so nervous because I loved your dad so much and I wanted you to love me too.  I know it was hard for you because now you had to share dad with me and your new brother. A brother who was an only child as well and we became an instant  family. Not only did you have to share your dad but nana and all the aunties too.  I never wanted to be a replacement for your mom just another person that you loved.  It was so difficult for me the first few years because most everything that came out of your mouth was something that your mother said. I  know that in her strange way she loved you but she always used you like a pawn.  Always pitting you against us.  Jay, I knew that your life living with her was so hard. I knew because I was once you.  The first time I went with your father to court for you I could not say a word because I was not married to him yet. Dad did not want to bring up the bad shit that he knew because he did not want to hurt you.  So we sucked it up and took as much as we could, as much as your mother would allow.   It broke my heart every time we had to send you back home because I knew you were not safe. How mad I was that I could not protect you like I could your brother and sister.  There is so much that you will never understand until you have your own children, the feeling of helplessness.  I just had to sit back and watch and wait. 5 years is a long time to wait. In that time I watched you grow to resent your brother and sister and myself. It was okay because you were just a kid and did not know any better.  Just know that the door to our house was always open for you and she just would not let you come. We always wanted you with us.  I got close to your mom because I wanted to keep and eye on you, it was the hardest thing I have ever done.  It just confirmed everything that I already knew.  Finally we got you , the summer before 7th grade.  I was so relived but I had my work cut out for me.  Jay you were on so many medications and you were failing school.. We did it though, together we got your grades up and I took you off all of your medicines. One of the first things that I really noticed was your resentment towards women who had authority of any kind that were involved in your life. Then your anger, you were so angry, just like me at that age. Rage, so much of it.  In my my mind I did not want you to travel down the road that I had or that your mother had. What a horrible road we both have traveled. I did everything in my power to keep you safe. I know that you think  me making you do laundry, vacuum and other household chores was a punishment. It wasn't at all.  It was to give you stability, responsibility and a sense of accomplishment.  It was also to keep you home, I was so afraid that your mother was going to steal you back or that you were going to follow in her foot prints...........