Hey sunshine.... You just turned twelve, officially a pre-teen, growing so fast. I am so proud of the young women you have become. I love your unique style and your independence. The fact that you already do not really care what other people think about you is amazing for someone so young. I am so proud of myself for instilling this quality in you. I feel like I have done my job raising you. ... Times are about to get tough with all the hormones raging through your body, just know that I completely understand. I know that this is going to sound weird but I always yelled and was really loud because I never ever wanted you to cower in the face of adversity. Never back down, always stand up for the people who are unable to do it themselves. The joy and reward you will get from this is unfathomable. You can do anything you put your mind too. I never want you to have to be stuck in a relationship that you can't get out of.
High school is going to suck ass. Don't get involved with anyone click, just bounce around to all of them. You will have one or two teachers that will impact your life greatly, keep in touch with them and I guarantee it will be worth it.
Buggie, you are a mini me ,it is going to be your job to hold this family together. Every family needs a matriarch and it is you. Keep your older brothers in line and watch over Jacob he is going to need you.
I want you to know that you were created out of love, the firework kind. Butterflies in your belly kind of love. I still have them for dad after all these years. I do not ever plan on leaving your dad but in case it happens I want you to know that.
The light shining from your inner self lights up a room every time you walk in. You have brought me nothing but joy and so many laughs. Everything that is good in dad and I has been passed down to you.
I have to admit I am a little scared because I do not want you to distance yourself from us now that you are entering your teenage years. It scares the fuck out of me. I am so sorry that I have been sick most of your whole life and I am sorry that I could not always bring you to the places that you needed to go. I think that me being sick has shown you how to be compassionate, caring and to always take care of people when they are at there worse. I can't wait to continue to watch you grow. I love you buggie!!!!! Love always Mom
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Monday, February 2, 2015
To my son.
Dear Jay,
There is so much I want to say, I am not even sure where to start.I believe from the beginning is always good place. I can still remember the first time I met you, 6 years old with a big incredible smile. I was so nervous because I loved your dad so much and I wanted you to love me too. I know it was hard for you because now you had to share dad with me and your new brother. A brother who was an only child as well and we became an instant family. Not only did you have to share your dad but nana and all the aunties too. I never wanted to be a replacement for your mom just another person that you loved. It was so difficult for me the first few years because most everything that came out of your mouth was something that your mother said. I know that in her strange way she loved you but she always used you like a pawn. Always pitting you against us. Jay, I knew that your life living with her was so hard. I knew because I was once you. The first time I went with your father to court for you I could not say a word because I was not married to him yet. Dad did not want to bring up the bad shit that he knew because he did not want to hurt you. So we sucked it up and took as much as we could, as much as your mother would allow. It broke my heart every time we had to send you back home because I knew you were not safe. How mad I was that I could not protect you like I could your brother and sister. There is so much that you will never understand until you have your own children, the feeling of helplessness. I just had to sit back and watch and wait. 5 years is a long time to wait. In that time I watched you grow to resent your brother and sister and myself. It was okay because you were just a kid and did not know any better. Just know that the door to our house was always open for you and she just would not let you come. We always wanted you with us. I got close to your mom because I wanted to keep and eye on you, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. It just confirmed everything that I already knew. Finally we got you , the summer before 7th grade. I was so relived but I had my work cut out for me. Jay you were on so many medications and you were failing school.. We did it though, together we got your grades up and I took you off all of your medicines. One of the first things that I really noticed was your resentment towards women who had authority of any kind that were involved in your life. Then your anger, you were so angry, just like me at that age. Rage, so much of it. In my my mind I did not want you to travel down the road that I had or that your mother had. What a horrible road we both have traveled. I did everything in my power to keep you safe. I know that you think me making you do laundry, vacuum and other household chores was a punishment. It wasn't at all. It was to give you stability, responsibility and a sense of accomplishment. It was also to keep you home, I was so afraid that your mother was going to steal you back or that you were going to follow in her foot prints...........
There is so much I want to say, I am not even sure where to start.I believe from the beginning is always good place. I can still remember the first time I met you, 6 years old with a big incredible smile. I was so nervous because I loved your dad so much and I wanted you to love me too. I know it was hard for you because now you had to share dad with me and your new brother. A brother who was an only child as well and we became an instant family. Not only did you have to share your dad but nana and all the aunties too. I never wanted to be a replacement for your mom just another person that you loved. It was so difficult for me the first few years because most everything that came out of your mouth was something that your mother said. I know that in her strange way she loved you but she always used you like a pawn. Always pitting you against us. Jay, I knew that your life living with her was so hard. I knew because I was once you. The first time I went with your father to court for you I could not say a word because I was not married to him yet. Dad did not want to bring up the bad shit that he knew because he did not want to hurt you. So we sucked it up and took as much as we could, as much as your mother would allow. It broke my heart every time we had to send you back home because I knew you were not safe. How mad I was that I could not protect you like I could your brother and sister. There is so much that you will never understand until you have your own children, the feeling of helplessness. I just had to sit back and watch and wait. 5 years is a long time to wait. In that time I watched you grow to resent your brother and sister and myself. It was okay because you were just a kid and did not know any better. Just know that the door to our house was always open for you and she just would not let you come. We always wanted you with us. I got close to your mom because I wanted to keep and eye on you, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. It just confirmed everything that I already knew. Finally we got you , the summer before 7th grade. I was so relived but I had my work cut out for me. Jay you were on so many medications and you were failing school.. We did it though, together we got your grades up and I took you off all of your medicines. One of the first things that I really noticed was your resentment towards women who had authority of any kind that were involved in your life. Then your anger, you were so angry, just like me at that age. Rage, so much of it. In my my mind I did not want you to travel down the road that I had or that your mother had. What a horrible road we both have traveled. I did everything in my power to keep you safe. I know that you think me making you do laundry, vacuum and other household chores was a punishment. It wasn't at all. It was to give you stability, responsibility and a sense of accomplishment. It was also to keep you home, I was so afraid that your mother was going to steal you back or that you were going to follow in her foot prints...........
Sunday, February 1, 2015
SIckness
Having a disease that no one really knows about is really hard. The people who are closest to me in my life know what is really going on but others only see what they want to see. They see the pretty image that I have created for my book, my life. I really never let anyone get to deep into my book just those that I think are worthy. I pick and choose who I really want to know because it is a lot of explaining to do and I do not want to waste what little time I have left. I write on this blog that no one will probably read because I do not want to burden anyone about my worries. I try always to put on a pretty smile and to make those around me laugh. What is the sense of making other people miserable, I just choose to suffer alone.
This disease that I have called DISH has caused all kind of other problems in my body. The one I think that really bothers me the most is my bladder. It stopped working about 10 years ago. Which really sucks because who wants to smell someone reaking of urine. I was getting treatments for it but then I fell down twice and I hurt myself. I ended up going to the hospital where i contracted C-diff and now I have lost my voice due to some other illness. I always wonder why my husband is still with me. He is not perfect but I think he is pretty close to perfection. I often feel like I do not deserve him and that maybe he should divorce me and find someone else. even if that did happen I do not think that any other women could love him the way I do. I love him with eveything that I am. My husband has stood by my side through all of my operations, which have been to many. He takes care of me when I am sick and always makes me feel loved. I do not think that I could have gone thru what I have without him. I know that I am a very strong women, I have proved this to myself many many times over the last 37 years, but he makes me want to heal faster and to just be a better person. My children play a big part in my road to recoveries every time.They have really only know a sick mom. Not a whole healthy mom. I do not think that it is a bad think because it has made them kind, caring and compassionate. It has shown them how to sacrifice with out being selfish and that even on the rockbottom /bedrock days things will get brighter. I think it has taught them mind over matter.
This disease that I have called DISH has caused all kind of other problems in my body. The one I think that really bothers me the most is my bladder. It stopped working about 10 years ago. Which really sucks because who wants to smell someone reaking of urine. I was getting treatments for it but then I fell down twice and I hurt myself. I ended up going to the hospital where i contracted C-diff and now I have lost my voice due to some other illness. I always wonder why my husband is still with me. He is not perfect but I think he is pretty close to perfection. I often feel like I do not deserve him and that maybe he should divorce me and find someone else. even if that did happen I do not think that any other women could love him the way I do. I love him with eveything that I am. My husband has stood by my side through all of my operations, which have been to many. He takes care of me when I am sick and always makes me feel loved. I do not think that I could have gone thru what I have without him. I know that I am a very strong women, I have proved this to myself many many times over the last 37 years, but he makes me want to heal faster and to just be a better person. My children play a big part in my road to recoveries every time.They have really only know a sick mom. Not a whole healthy mom. I do not think that it is a bad think because it has made them kind, caring and compassionate. It has shown them how to sacrifice with out being selfish and that even on the rockbottom /bedrock days things will get brighter. I think it has taught them mind over matter.
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